Fifi’s Confessions April 2, 2008

-Sadie eats about ten things, consistently, and I allow this to happen. Sure, I know what “they” say about exposing a child at least 15 times to a food before they accept it…but do I practice it? Um, no. Sometimes. But mostly no.

-I still sleep in her room about 90% of the time. Because I am lazy. And deep down, I think that we both still need this.

-The majority of her wardrobe is either gifts, hand-me-downs, thrift shop or ebay finds, and stuff that I pick up on clearance the season prior. I cannot remember the last time that I bought something full-price. Mainly because I spent an embarassing amount when she first came home.

-I have totally told her that a certain irritating toy or DVD or CD is broken. And it isn’t. Yes, I LIE. Stone me.

-I have lost total control over the amount of pink/Disney/princess/toy cell phones/sparkly-stuff that has invaded my home. All things that I swore would never be in her rotation pre-Sadie.

-I gave up carrying the uber-cute Petunia Picklebottom bag soon after she came home, and now? I still lug a beaten up black back-pack that is full even after potty training. Why? I do not know.

-I make her a seperate meal, nearly all the time. Ken totally calls me the short order cook and smirks over conversations that we had when I said this would.never.fly.in.my.house….yeah.

 -I bribe. Enough said.

-I let her eat in the living room sometimes. While I blog. But only once in a while.

-I totally have some trainwreck blogs in my Favorites. Totally.

-There are days that I am relieved to come to work. I feel like crap about it, but there it is.

-I will still feed Sadie, often because she asks me to. Sometimes out of habit.

-I have kept her out of pre-school to have a “fun day”…and have let her get a “mini” pedi already.

-I have thrown away art work that was just like about ten other pieces that I saved.

-I haven’t completed her lifebook, and have failed to send my monthly email to her SWI more than a couple of times.

-I totally don’t know if I am using the best language or reinforcing her story for her…and have to admit to stumbling the first time she asked “why?” when we talked about being placed in the SWI after she was found.

-Speaking of language, she has heard me utter words that I am really not proud of. And? She repeats them. Giggling.

-I let her stay in her pj’s all day, most weekends. I don’t brush her hair on those days, either.

-I hover too much, and feel the looks from other parents.

-I get frustrated easily, and walk away sometimes to gather my emotions.

- I probably don’t dress her as warmly as I should, because I don’t like to be too warm.

-We still have gates up, but mostly to keep the dogs at bay. But still….yikes.

-I get bored sometimes playing the same games over and over and over.

-Same with reading the same books, sometimes twice or more in a row.

-I clean up after her too much, not reinforcing that she has to pick up her own toys.

-I like buying girly stuff. A lot.

-I also put the cutesy hair stuff in, even knowing that she will eventually pull it out. I tell myself it is because I am keeping her bangs at bay. And it sorta is the reason…sometimes.

-I feel proud when she sneers at someone exclaiming “She is SO BEAUTIFUL! What a little DOLL!” in public. And I don’t apologize for it. I like that she is already protesting being objectified.

-I dig that she is into me more than she is anyone else, most of the time.

-We quit speech therapy early. It was a gamble, and it turned out in our favor. I lost sleep over it, and still beat myself up about it.

-I quit fighting the grandmothers over crappy gifts, and now just cycle them out.

-I long to travel, but worry about traveling with my girl. Need to get over this.

-I can sing most of the Disney Princess “theme” songs. Gah.

Random thoughts, two years out March 4, 2008

I have loved reading the posts reflecting on Family Day and the first year of motherhood here….but I am also a bit shame-faced. I did not handle my first year with any sort of grace or aplomb..I barely made it through.  At one year home I was just acknowledging that I was dealing with PAD, that I could really cut myself some slack and not beat myself up over the many, many things that I thought made me a “good” mom (making her baby food from organic veggies and meat, giving up every hobby and thing that I enjoyed as some sort of penance for working outside the home, and always trying to stay on top of what I was supposed  to be exposing Sadie to in order to help her through her transition home).  Those things, and the pressure to keep them up? Were slowly draining my strength.

I was exhausted, scared, and really? I could hardly recognize myself.

The second year home is when I hit my stride, and believe that my change in attitude and outlook helped my daughter to come out of her shell and really show us what she was made of.  I got help, and I got some perspective. I know now that my reactions, however small, really impact what my sensitive girl reads about a situation…and my off-the-cuff emotions had to be reigned in a bit for both of our sakes. I realized that it was good and necessary for her to see me doing things that I enjoyed, and that the best thing for both of us was to help her to be a part of it.  That by being selfish with myself I was short-changing both of us.

Year one was rough, as my girl and I clung to one another…more often than not we were worn-out and muddling. Year two brought shared laughter, improved communication, and much discovery. I figured out that:

-Potty humor is not only funny, but it is essential to the nearly three year old set.

-Even the littlest people can and do tell knock-knock jokes..and that rocks.

-That leaving Sadie to have some time alone is not ever easy, but it really does help us both to learn to appreciate our time together more.

-That everything that I read was not necessarily everything that I needed to know.

At the end of year two we had our little family day together…we ate at a great ice cream shoppe, we went to a cool museum, we watched Little Mermaid before bed, and we snuggled until Sadie fell asleep. Ken and I talked about how lucky we are to know her, and how far we have all come from the days when I could hardly let myself be happy and enjoy this crazy adventure. 

Our first meeting with Sadie was in a room on the upper floor of a building with glass walls, that over-looked a polluted, bustling city in Southern China. When she was handed over to me she looked deeply into our eyes, clung to the little toy we had given her, and really took measure of us. I watched her go from baby to toddler to the beginnings of a little girl…and this is what I have taken away from it:

-As much as you worry about each developmental milestone, they get it in their own time. We went through nearly a year of speech and occupational therapy, and even after stopping Sadie would not give us much in the way of progress. It has only been in the last six months that we realized she could do  it, but she wasn’t necessarily ready. When she was ready, the floodgates opened.

-That as much as I worry about race and I try to get it right, I am never going to really “get it”. I have to believe that the work that I am doing now, however small, will benefit me as much as it will help me to support Sadie.

-That making peace with my role in the adoption triad is necessary, because I need to be clear on it as I help and listen to Sadie’s cues when we begins to navigate and explore her own identity.

-That ebay? Really, really great place to score baby clothes..but it is really, really addictive, too. Yikes.

So, to wrap up? Year one? Rocky. Year two? Discovery. Year three? Cannot wait for the ride.

Why I Work: Fifi’s Thoughts February 13, 2008

This topic? Throwing for me a HUGE loop. There is much to say about the topics of working outside of the home, and I am hardly the most qualified person to offer additional opinions. So, I can only speak for me, and that is my preface to this post…these are just my thoughts, and they may be jumbled.

If my income was not essential for our family, I would probably work part-time. I know that I would not stay in a full time position…or at least not the one that I am currently in. And that is part of the problem…are my thoughts on this topic colored by what is (currently) a very stressful and non-supportive working enviroment. I dunno.  I can tell you what the list that I jotted off in preparation for this post said:

Pro’s (in working outside the home):

-Guaranteed non-kid time…including lunches out (without cutting someone elses’ food up, cleaning up spilled drinks, and eating my own food while it is still warm)

-Disposable income

-Security in that if (for any reason) I am in a situation where I am without my partner, I can maintain my daughter’s lifestyle and still plan for our future.

-A sense of accomplishment and satisfaction outside of my home (and my roles as a mother and a wife)

Con’s (in working outside of the home)”

-A huge block of time every day that is taken from my own interests

-Stress that is sometimes hard to dump once I get home

-A feeling of missing out on Sadie day to day…and I do feel that, often. My mom, my husband, and her caregivers get more time each day than I do. I never expected for that to bother me, but it does.

-Constant nagging feeling of being behind on EVERYTHING…home, work, personal, public obligations.

Like Coco and Lulu have already written (beautifully, of course)…I do derive a solid sense of self from achieving and promoting professionally. I was always tagged as the “smart girl”, too, both within my family and in school. It was never a question of if I would go to college, but instead it was when and where. I was the first in my immediate family to complete college, and I did it largely on scholarships and grants (but with a healthy amount of loans…got to love private Catholic college tuition!).  When I entered the workforce, it was jarring to be just one of many, but I began to find ways to distinguish myself. As a result I have promoted and am the primary breadwinner in my marriage. For many years I carried our health benefits, and if I am being honest I fed into this role…I was carrying a burden, but it was MY burden, it was a great way to highlight my role as caregiver, as the responsible one.

When we decided to adopt, it was after years of infertility. I had never questioned whether I would work after we became parents..it was a given in our situation. So I was surprised and dismayed (yes, I was..) with my own reactions after Sadie came home. I was angry that I had to go back, that I didn’t have a choice. I mourned the days that I would be missing before I even went back, and it was a huge part of my depression issues. I remember crying on and off (in the bathroom, of course…why do we always find ourselves sobbing in the bathroom when things get crazy?) the whole first day I was back in the office. I was rabid to get home to Sadie, and when I got there?

She was as cool as a cucumber. As the days and weeks went by, she positively thrived in the extra time with her daddy, with her grandma, and eventually with her teachers at pre-school. I realized that the time that we spent together also enhanced, as I was focused and we really rocked out the time that we were together. My longevity with my employer was a bonus, too, as I have a large block of vacation and personal time to utilize when I do want to take time to be at home. All in all? It has turned out really well.

So, back to the first paragraph. I believe firmly that working does make me a better mom…but I don’t necessarily think that full time is the best thing for me as a woman. There is much that I want to pursue creatively that I just do not have the time for, and I do wish that I had the choice and the options to explore those paths. For now, I am making the best of it, and really? It is going much better than I could have hoped for.

This balancing act is one of the hardest things that I have ever done. A lot of the worry has fallen away, but has been replaced by its cousin fatigue. Some days are good, some not so good. But the important stuff gets done, and I am healthy and able enough to get up and do it all again.

Looking forward to more discussion on this.

Why Octomama: Fifi’s Version February 12, 2008

My transition to motherhood was anything but graceful. It was hard work, it was exhilarating, it made my world topsy-turvy and it grounded me. All at the same time. During those dark, crazy, amazing days I turned to my friends, and found that the honesty and comfort that I needed was in those who had walked paths similar to mine…they had adopted, they were working, they were trying to keep it together and raise their children (and remember to eat and talk to their spouses, of course! Ahem).

I watched, I took notes, and I realized that I wasn’t alone. That motherhood doesn’t define me, but instead enriches and challenges me to be stronger and to think about my decisions. Because my daughter? Is watching, learning, and is going to take her cues from me more often than not.

At least until she is a teenager..and I am just so not ready to go there. Not yet.

While adoption is a part of our lives in a million little ways every single day, there are many moments that are just living. As Coco said before, I spend my mornings running…from bed to shower to fixing my (mom)hair to waking Sadie and getting her ready to school to carrying a bag(s)/drinks/keys/The 28 lb. Wonder to the car…it is wild.

And it all happens before 7:30 am.

We do it, day in and day out. We get to work, we go home..and we get up the next morning and make a go of it again.

And the very best thing that we can do for ourselves and the other octomamas in our midst? Is to listen, to keep our eyes open and our eyes on the prize. We need to stay strong to support those who need it within our ranks, and we need to learn to accept that same support when we are lagging.

I had a conversation recently with my doctor in which she said she thought that she was a better mom because she works.  It is something that I have thought a lot about since that exchange, and I know that I will write more about it soon.

Until then..welcome!